My first music promo course assignment

Started Audio Production yesterday, and had my first assignment. Finished assignment today. Thought i would share it, and get some feedback.

I listened and at your request, give a review. I am used to the honest but sometimes blunt feedback so please do not take it ‘personal’ as this is your first step.
I find it too slow. The intro sweep is too long, takes up too much time to build up in volume. I would as a radioman never start in this sweeper so far before the end of my previous song to make it fit.
The overall tempo is slow. The voiceover is good, but the speech tempo is way slower than the background music you used. The other items (like the wide repeat of the vocal) comes a bit too late. I would like it BAM-BAM-BAM. Yours is now baaayam. pause. baaayam. pause. baayam.
I like how the second items sounds diferent (stereo wider). But the third time the voice is again the same. Maybe pitch it up some semitones? or a chorus effect.
In the text/content (maybe you did not write that, but the client did, so your hands are tied…) your promiss of commercial free music sounds great, but then it turns out to be only 20 minutes long. Maybe use different wording?
The sound is good. Remember it is your first assignment, everyone can improve. You asked what I think: don’t be hurt, I know very well this stuff takes a lot of time but it IS well spent, because you had fun doing it and learned something (and maybe got paid in money or honour or joy or motivation).

i agree with CVS. Maybe watch an episode of free Jingle Friday will help you out. Watch how Mike creates real uptempo, modern and fast jingles!